What happened to altruism and generosity? The sheer pleasure of giving without any expectation of getting something in return.
“Oh Ian! You’re so naive!” the cynic may cry and then quote some well worn epithet:
You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours
or
There’s no such thing as a free lunch
Well, I think it’s sad!
I noticed it very clearly yesterday evening. I went with Elena, my daughter (6), to a restaurant to meet some friends for a few hours. I was watching how easily Elena made contact with people. I think by the end of the evening she knew all the staff in the restaurant, to the point she was helping one of the waitresses serve the tables. I found it wonderful seeing her proudly take bread baskets to the customers.
Then on the way home, as we waited at the bus stop, she befriended a middle aged lady. I’m not quite sure how she did it but by the time we’d got off (coincidentally at the same stop) she’d recounted her life story to the obviously enraptured lady.
None of this was in any way exceptional to my little one, just another day out meeting people and sharing a few important stories from her life. There was no hint of a suggestion that she might want something in exchange other than the pleasure she got from smiling, chatting and helping.
It’s natural – not learned.
I’m such a proud father!
I’d like to take credit that it’s how I’ve raised her but I honestly think it’s natural. In the innocence of childhood we are not suspicious of others and wondering what they want from us. We’re not scared to smile freely and give of ourselves with no expectation of getting something back.
As children grow up they learn to behave differently. And where do they learn that?
It is us adults that teach our children to be suspicious, to negotiate for things, to do deals and to withhold themselves. It is us adults that have a hard time making effortless connection with people we meet day to day. It is us adults that transform the perfectly natural and innocent approach of our children into something more selfish and based on a mentality of scarcity.
It’s all about exchange
We’ve become so used to turning everything into an exchange we’ve forgotten the sheer pleasure of just giving without any expectation of something in return. Even as something as simple as a smile or eye contact is a free gift – yet we expect something in return.
Consider this. If you are walking down the street and a stranger approaches you or maybe just smiles at you, what’s the first thought that enters your head?
If you’re like me it’s probably something like “What do they want?”
If I turn that around, that’s precisely the same reaction I’d expect from you if I was the stranger walking towards you and smiling. I don’t like it but that thought is so deeply engrained it’s hard to remove.
Over the last couple of years I try an experiment from time to time. I make the small step of making eye contact as I go about my daily business. With shop assistants, people on the bus, walking down the street or in a café.
Try it yourself sometime.
It’s very revealing as it’s almost impossible to get eye contact with someone. Everyone goes about with their heads down and their hearts sleeping. I thought maybe it was just me. Perhaps I look a bit creepy (I don’t think so but I can never be sure) and it’s only me that people avoid. But it’s not. Everyone goes about their day to day stuff avoiding most kind of contact other the unavoidable.
And I still think it’s sad.
I don’t want my children to grow up that way.
A final thought.
After I die, will I be remembered more for what I took from the world or for what I gave to the world?
Similar Posts:
- What To Do With Naughty Kids
- Stop making me happy!
- 5 Questions While Waiting For A Baby
- When smacking seems the only option
- Dwelling on the lighter side
- Do we REALLY see people
Great article, Ian. I posted this to my Facebook Wall!
Thanks Joe. Great to see a fellow NVC’er over here!
You said it. We get so easily caught up in this world and never realize we would be so well off if we could consciously be like children.
It is easy to get caught up in it all, isn’t it?
Actually free lunches are everywhere.
We didn’t organise our own conception, birth or early nurturance.
All the economy is based on ‘goods’ provided free – sunlight, clean air and water . . .
Collaboration with others (if we really did compete as much as the dogma says social life would break down).
There are glimmers of hope everywhere (even in that pit of darkness called schooling). I need to remember them – they help to keep me active and optimistic.
PS. Blog Action Day is coming up on October 15th.
Evan. I agree that there are glimmers of hope. That’s one thing I get in huge doses from the many wonderful blogs out there! You are right that all the elements needed for life are basically free. It’s a shame we’ve created a world that packages them and sells them and tries to convince us the opposite of what we know to be true in our hearts. Even with parenting .. there are sadly many parents who hold some obligation over their children – as though all those free lunches should be repaid with the child’s love (‘Just think of everything I sacrificed for you .. and THIS is how you repay me?’ is a line I’m sure many have heard from their parents).
But there is much to be grateful for and much to look forward to.
Do we really teach the children all that negativity or can some of it be put down to giving continuously and then being slapped in the face by life, no matter what age this happens or who does it , it hurts and the child/adult shuts down eventually.
But the good thing is our ability to be able to access that beauty within ourselves whenever we want.
Its always there, I suppose we just have to be brave enough to set it free.
Thanks for the nice post
Brigid
Yes, we all have that beauty inside!
I wasn’t exactly sure what you meant by the first sentence. I’m not doubting that there are people who get constantly slapped by life despite all their generosity – just I’ve never actually met any of them personally. Those I tend to meet are either quite cautious about life or are positive and generous and cope pretty well with the storms of life.
Hi Ian,
It made me sad that you are so suspicious of others when walking down the street. If someone smiles at me, I smile back. Actually, I am usually the one who does the smiling. Some people glare at me. Others turn away but for the most part, people smile back.
Actually, one time, I had someone come up to me and ask me why am I so happy…as if it were a crime.
I think there are many scared people in the world and that needs to change. Love will always triumph over fear.
And may your daughter never become one of those fearful people.
Nadia. I wouldn’t describe myself as ’so suspicious of others’ .. and I’m a little surprised if that was the impression I gave in the article. My initial involuntary thought is one of suspicion, yes, – but I am pretty good at deciding the thoughts I choose to believe and react to. Believing people are only nice or smile at me because they want something is most definitely one of those thoughts I choose not to believe.
And yes .. fear does not serve us very well.
Ian,
I was recently reminded that even in relationships, we often trade rather than give. It’s not easy to let go of fear, to unlearn it and revert to our natural selves like your daughter. Yet if we could find a way to do it, how much more wonderful life would be.
Hi Daphne. There are ways .. and many people who choose love over fear. I hope one day the momentum will be in our favour!