The labels we attach to ourselves and to others have a nasty habit of getting in the way of seeing the human being lurking underneath. The purpose of labelling is to create some order or structure and help us identify things quickly and easily.
This doesn’t work too well with people.
Trying to create something static and fixed out of a creature who, by nature, is complex and ever changing is fruitless. Unless we are clear what lies beneath the label. Try this exercise to have a deeper look at how this labelling may be influencing your life. It’s designed to look at labels you (or others) attach to yourself although you could easily adapt it to look at labels you attach to other people.
The exercise takes about 10 minutes and you can do it as many times as you want with different labels. As you follow each step notice and listen to whatever reactions come up for you.
1 Create a list of labels
List all the labels attached to you. They can be words you use yourself or ones that others put on you. They usually start with “I am a ….”. Try to exclude judgements (beautiful, sexy, bad, lazy etc.) as they’re a bit more difficult to work with (I’ll maybe cover them in a future post).
[for example ... I am English, a father, son, man, trainer, scorpio, brother, friend ... etc.]
2 Choose the ones to examine deeper
As you look at the list notice any that trigger a reaction in you (maybe a contraction or heaviness? or perhaps a smile or lightness?). Negative reactions indicate that this area is holding you back in some way – a burden you carry around. Positive reactions indicate a source of joy and meaning for you – a resource that nurtures you.
Choose one label to work with further – I suggest the label that feels heaviest. You can always come back and look at the others later.
[for example ... I choose to work with 'Son' which I notice is like a weight on my shoulders.]
3 Describe what’s behind the label
Write a description that sits behind the label – probably one sentence that turns the generalisation into something very specific. The purpose of this step is to take a little ‘heat’ out of the label.
[for example ... I was given life and raised by Mum and Dad and they live in England.]
4 Expectations
Write down the expectations represented by that label – either those you place on yourself or those you hear from other people. Expectations might start with ‘ A xxxx should …. ‘.
[for example ... A son should visit his parents every week, talk to them every day, take care of them when they get sick and old, love and respect them whatever they say or do, listen to their advice and obey them all the time.]
5 What you really do
Write down a description of what you actually do in relation to the expectations in step 4. It’s important to be factual and not judgemental.
[for example ... since the start of the year I spent 8 days with my parents, spoke on the phone twice a month, visited Dad three times when he was in hospital, feel warmth and love for both of them most of the time, listen to their advice and make my own decisions ...]
6 How you react and what it tells you
Notice if any of the specific statements in step 5 trigger any feelings or reactions. What do those reactions tell you about your deeper needs or values?
[for example ... I feel sad reading 'spoke on the phone twice a month'. Need and value contact, love, sharing.]
7 Action
Do you choose now to do anything differently? Has anything changed for you?
[for example ... I feel softer and more freedom in relation to my parents. I would like to have more contact with them. I intend to speak with them on the phone every week.]
I’d enjoy hearing any experiences from anyone trying out this exercise? Was it helpful? Did it give any insights?
Similar Posts:
- Peeling off the labels
- How are you?
- Do I Look Good …?
- In search of honesty
- Conflict Is Not The Problem
- The beauty of differences
I enjoyed reading your thoughts on labels, Ian. It reminded me of that hilarious episode in “The Office”, where they went through this procedure, with disastrous consequences!
Seriously, though, I think it’s important to go even further with the label exercise. Not only is it unhelpful to label people as “a typical Englishman”, or “teacher, parent, mom, republican”, etc. … but to recognize that these labels actually have no bearing to reality. It’s convenient to use labels, but it’s limiting to the point of being downright false. Here’s a quote from Nisargadatta on the subject:
“The sense of ‘I am’ is your own. You cannot part with it, but you can impart it to anything, as in saying, I am young, I am rich, and so on. But such self-identifications are patently false and the cause of bondage.”
We all use labels, myself included, but we need to be aware that every label we impose on reality simply perpetuates the subject/object duality and keeps us from fully participating in the world.
Keep up the good work!
Downstreamer … many thanks for the extra depth you bring with this comment. Much appreciated. I especially like that quote ‘The sense of ‘I am’ is your own’ … perfect!
Hi Ian
Thank you for writing this exercise. I will try it this week and post a reponse (linked back). I sense you have touched upon an aspect of our lives that has not been explored as deeply as feelings and needs in the NVC world. Yet, our labels, generated by our core beliefs, stimulate feelings and are a pointed to our needs. In particular I love the way you invite us to get a bodily-felt sense of which expectation holds the most energy for us. It knows. This is the foundation premise of an inner awareness practice called Focusing which I integrate with NVC and it helps me to stay with my lived experience rather than going up in to my head.
A while back I also touched upon the power of labels but now feel excited about re-exploring it.
This is my blog entry which will link you to another blog as well.
http://transformativeliving.wordpress.com/2007/04/04/languages-in-the-moment/
This could be a great mini-workshop! Have you tried it?
Thank you for this article. As you say, some of the labels do strike a chord whether positive or negative. I found this most fascinating, and will investigate which of my own labels need more work.
Thanks again.
Ian,
This is an excellent article, and you’ve done a great job writing it in such a way that it’s really beneficial. I noticed quite a few labels of mine had a “heavy” feeling. Namely “son”, “friend” and “Indian-Ameican” (lol).
This is a great tool to help people raise their self-awareness. It sure helped me raise mine. I’ve done exercises like this before, and it’s always helpful when I do. There’s no such thing as doing it too much. This is because even after you’ve raised your awareness once, it’s easy to let it slip back down to previous levels if you don’t take the action to make the changes necessary in your life. It has to be a conscious effort at all times, until the shift has been made.
Thanks for the great article, Ian.
Rahul
Leona … I haven’t tried this in a workshop, though I did something very similar with the roles that we play in life. I appreciate the link back and happy to hear you’re excited about re-exploring.
David and Jan … welcome and thanks for the feedback!
Rahul … happy to hear you like the exercise! I’m used to working with exercises ‘live’ with groups of people rather than trying to explain them in writing. Doing it ‘live’ means I get immediate feedback if the instructions aren’t clear or the exercise isn’t working. In this blog form it’s not so easy!!!! Which is my long way of saying that it was very supportive to hear you liked how I’d written it down! Many thanks my friend! Ian
Hi Ian, I finally catch up with your blog after a long weekend holiday. I still haven’t read your latest post yet and just wanna say hi first in this comment. I hope you didn’t mind with it.
We do put labels on ourselves and others. Your thoughts are deep man great content
Aldhis – Hi to you too! Good to see you back.
Funny Signs .. thanks for dropping by and for the comment! Ian