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Posts from ‘March, 2009’

Spring, and time for a clean-up

Mar 30th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
26 comments

I decided to celebrate Spring, 6 months of blogging and my 10,000th visitor with a substantial change in the look and feel of the site.

I’m really pleased with the results though I’m a little nervous as I was quite attached to the old look, though I think this looks much neater and sleeker.

Hope you like it too!

Celebration tag

By way of celebration I decided to respond to a ‘you’ve been tagged’ by Hayden Tompkins of Through The Illusion.

I wouldn’t normally respond to this kind of thing but I’m feeling in a good mood and I love Hayden (if Monica or Chris are reading – it’s purely platonic. More like respect and admiration, in fact. Don’t know why I used the word ‘love’, at all. Have I said too much?).

The rules are:

* Link to your original tagger and list these rules in your post
* Share 7 facts about yourself in the post
* Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names and links to their blogs
* Let them know they’ve been tagged.

So here we go

1 I’ve never visited the USA

All my family have. Most of my friends have. Many of my friends live there. Yet, somehow I’ve managed to carefully avoid the land that gave us MacDonalds, the nuclear bomb and Barbie.

I blame it on my passport which is of the old fashioned variety without even a bar code and I’m sure there’s no way they’d let me in because I look nothing like my picture.

2 My passport expires next year

Which by itself has no real importance. But I’m sure you’ll agree, when combined with point number 1, takes on much greater significance.

3   I am a tennis ace

My greatest sporting achievement is a trophy I won as runner-up in the tennis doubles competition in my local village. I should also add that there were very few entrants that year. So few in fact, that my partner and I got straight into the final without playing a single match.

We lost in the final 0-6, 0-6.

And my partner was a much better player than me.

I still got a trophy!

4    I once had a small collection of dead birds

I feel a bit nauseous remembering this, but around the age of 10 or 11 I developed a morbid fascination for dead birds. I can’t even begin to explain, but I did learn how to preserve small birds and even had a board with the wings of around 15 birds pinned to it.

In my defence, I never killed a bird, they had already shed their mortal coil when I got to them. Also in my defence, I did wake up one morning with a clear realisation of the horror of this ‘hobby’ and promptly gave them all a tearful burial.

5   I have a tattoo

Yes, it’s true! Despite being passionate about nonviolence and despite once being an accountant (it was a LONG time ago), I do have a cool and edgy side. To prove it, I have a small tattoo of a scorpion on my left shoulder.

For anyone reading who has body art on a larger scale, all credit to your tolerance of pain.

For anyone who is considering getting a nice picture painted permanently on your skin, let me just say one thing. IT HURTS! They use needles, and those things are sharp! If someone had told me just how much it hurts, I might have thought twice. There’s a limit to what the human body can tolerate in the interests of being cool!

6   I’ve never had an operation

I think I must be either very healthy, or phobically terrified of doctors, but I’ve never had any kind of operation. Not even a minor one. I intend to live another 45 more years that way, as the idea of putting my body into the hands of a stranger with a sharp knife is very unappealing!

7   I nearly killed the Prime Minister

That’s a slight exaggeration. Well, OK, it’s a huge exaggeration.

Some years ago I was running a workshop in the Hotel Bristol in Warsaw (a very plush hotel, next to the President’s palace). I wasn’t watching where I was going as I came out of the lift and nearly bumped into John Major (who was PM of  UK at the time).

We didn’t actually make contact, but if we had then he clearly could have fallen over and fatally injured himself on the marble floor. After all, he’s much smaller in real life than he looks on TV. And I’m much bigger.

So there we have it! 7 fascinating facts about yours truly.

And to continue the game.

Before I go on – I’m only doing this because it says so in the rules – if you want to ignore it, then please do. I won’t take offence.  I can only pick 7 and I chose those who are consistently nice to me. If you’re not here, and you think you should, then you need to either be nicer or more consistent.

Michael at Love to Spare for being one of the most cheerful and positive guys I’ve ever met!

Carlo Gabriel at Condomzone for sending me my first fan mail. I love you Carlo! If I was ever in the market for condoms, I’d be sure to buy them from you

Nadia at Happy Lotus for the warmth that exudes from every pore of your site

Juliet at Life Made Great for having the good sense (and courage) to ask me to guest post a few weeks back

Suze at Abundant Mama for being with me pretty much since the beginning

Daphne at Joyful Days for always beating me to comment on other people’s blogs and for being such a ray of sunshine

Diana at Bebelissimo for the great site and for not being upset that I didn’t eat your lasagna!

Jenny at The Bloggess for consistently making me laugh out loud and just to see if you ever visit my site.

That’s all folks!

PS One other thing I should have revealed about me is that I can’t count!

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Top 10 cold-blooded killers

Mar 28th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
17 comments

My attention was drawn this week to the 2008 report on capital punishment produced by Amnesty International.

For your reading pleasure I present the ‘Execution Top 10′ showing number of known executions in each country and the methods used.

  1. China    1,718    (shooting, lethal injection)
  2. Iran    346    (hanging, shooting, stoning)
  3. Saudi Arabia     102    (beheading)
  4. USA    37    (lethal injection, electrocution)
  5. Pakistan    36    (hanging)
  6. Iraq    34    (hanging)
  7. Viet Nam    19    (shooting)
  8. Afghanistan    17    (shooting)
  9. North Korea    15    (hanging, shooting)
  10. Japan    15    (hanging)

The figures, apart from those for USA and Japan, are minimum numbers as the governments in these 8 countries are secretive about the use of the death penalty. Japan and the USA publish their figures, presumably as a clear sign that they are civilised and don’t need to hide behind secrecy.

In addition to the above, another 15 countries executed people, making a total of at least 2,390 executions in 2008.

I must admit that I’m pleasantly surprised that the number is so low – I was expecting it to be much higher.

That’s about as far as my pleasant reaction goes.

Apart from Belarus, Europe is free from the death penalty. Countries in Europe may do some pretty unpleasant things, but cold bloodedly killing people convicted of crime is not one of them. As I grew up in Europe, I fully accept that I could be conditioned to be appalled at state executions.  If I’d grown up in Asia or Texas, maybe I might feel quite OK with it.

But I didn’t and I don’t and I find the whole concept sickening. I just want to press ‘publish’ and be done with it.

Just take a look at the countries on the list – I find it very revealing.

China paving the way into economic super power status! USA sandwiched between Iran, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and Iraq.

Am I the only one who sees the sheer craziness, barbarity and hypocrisy of state sponsored murder?

Please tell me I’m not going mad.

How do you react to this?

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Confession time

Mar 25th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
9 comments

There comes a time in the life of a blog when the author (in this case, me) has a sudden urge to confess. At the risk of alienating all my readers and passers-by, that time has just arrived here.

England is the country of my birth and the first 30 years of my life.  I’ve never worn a bowler hat, but I’m undeniably English (I can accept ‘British’ and possibly even ‘European’ but, despite my name, I’m not Scottish!).

That’s the first part of the confession.

It gets worse …

I’ve had the following conversation several times.

“Do you speak Polish?” enquires a new acquaintance.

“No,” I reply, knowing exactly where the conversation is heading.

“Yes, I’m not surprised. It really is a very difficult language to learn. Especially for English speakers,” they say.

I nod in agreement with their attempt at sympathy for my challenge and pretend I didn’t notice the thinly veiled insult.

“How long have you lived here in Poland?” they continue their polite enquiries.

“Fifteen years.”

I deliver this with a well-practised expression of self-confident humility over a shallow layer of embarrassment. I notice an immediate shift in them -  from sympathy to outrage.

“FIFTEEN YEARS!” they almost shout. “And you still haven’t learned our language?”

At which point they either interrogate me or give up on me and go do something else.

It’s true!

The thing is, I completely and fully understand their reaction.

I’ve lived in Poland for 15 years. Since 1st June 1994 to be exact. And my spoken Polish is just about sufficient for me to feed myself and travel, provided everything is straightforward. I can understand a portion of what’s said to me directly and just about follow a simple conversation between two people.

But by no stretch of anyone’s imagination could it be said that I speak Polish.

Give me your best shot

I understand how I might appear as an arrogant, selfish Englishman who expects everyone else to speak English.

I understand how it might be perceived as a lack of respect, laziness or stupidity.

I know I miss out on potential social and cultural life.

I know it’s inconvenient getting things done.

I understand all this, really I do. I’ve lived it for the last 15 years and I’m not proud of it.

BUT

I’m not going to defend myself or make excuses. I’ve been doing that for 15 years and I’m pretty much fed up with it.

Everyone is free to disagree with me, but please don’t judge me for it. I’ve spent a good part of the last 15 years judging myself for it, and I doubt there’s anything you could think about me that’s worse than what I thought about myself.

I don’t want to learn Polish. I enjoy the peacefulness of being able to tune out all the mundane conversations that go on around me. I like that when I express myself, I’m only struggling in my native language and not super-struggling in a second language.

The simple truth is that I choose not to learn Polish and, now, I’m very much at peace with my decision.

It’s really very liberating to be free of my self criticism and brow beating. The curious thing I noticed is that now I’m at peace with it myself, the attacks I sometimes get from others have no impact on me at all. They used to be like verbal bullets but now they are more like gifts.

I listen.

I understand how it is for them.

I empathise with their reaction.

At the same time I know this is my decision, this is my life and I don’t need to defend myself to anyone.

So there!

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You don’t have to do anything

Mar 22nd, 2009
by ianpeatey.
12 comments

“All organisms with complex nervous systems are faced with the moment-by-moment- question that is posed by life: What shall I do next?”

Sue Savage-Rumbaugh / Roger Lewin

I’m making decisions in every conscious moment from a huge range of possible things I could do.

Right now I’m typing. Each tap on the keyboard represents a decision to carry on writing against some other attractive possibilities. I could make myself a coffee, take a nap, put on some music, go for a walk. The list of options is only limited by my imagination.

Yet I choose this tap tap tap on the keys of my laptop even though nobody is standing over me with a gun pointed at my head.

I choose everything

My point is that EVERYTHING I do is a decision from a range of choices. It’s not always an easy decision, but it is a decision nonetheless, and it is MY decision.

Sometimes, though, I find I’m telling myself I ‘Have To’ do certain things and that I have no choice. Some years ago that was pretty much how I lived my whole life. I had to have a job because I had to earn money to maintain the mortgage I had to have to be able to buy the house I lived in. I had to own the house rather than rent because married people had to do that, yes?

I could fill the post with all the things I ‘had to’ do, but I think you get the point.

All that big picture stuff played out the same way in the day to day decisions.

I reckon that at least 75% of what I did in a typical day, and 90% of how I lived my life was motivated by the words ‘I Have To’. I think I’ve moved it to 30% and 25% which is a huge step forward and I look forward to the day when both are at zero!

The universal law of ‘Have To’

I often hear people tell me that they have responsibilities and duties. If everyone did just what they wanted then the world would collapse in chaos because there are some things people just have to do, they tell me! Then they list some sterling examples, such as pay taxes, send kids to school, earn money, stay within the law.

What’s on your list?

As a scientific theory ‘some things people just have to do‘ doesn’t stand up to too much scrutiny. If you can find just one example of someone who doesn’t do it, then clearly it’s not a universal law.

My guess is if you go through your own ‘Have To’ list you’ll find at least one exception for each item.

So if it’s not a universal law, who told you it applies to you? What are your reasons for doing this with a ‘Have To’ rather than a ‘Choose To’? What consequences are you avoiding by doing this thing? What benefits are you gaining by doing it?

I’m not suggesting to stop paying taxes, sending kids to school etc.. I am suggesting that you choose to do these things and are not compelled to do them.

If I choose to do something then, I believe, I enjoy it more and I take more responsibility.

Why we ‘Have To’

Sometimes I genuinely don’t have a choice and there is only one possibility. Is this ever true? I think it’s a lack of imagination rather than a lack of choice.

In the highly unlikely event someone was pointing a gun at me to force me to finish this post, I would still have a choice. I might not like the alternatives, but they are still there.

Another reason might be that I don’t want to take responsibility for the consequences of my decisions.

‘It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t want to publish this article but I had to. There was a gun pointing at my head.’

This used to be quite common in many parts of the public sector (for example) where employees hid behind regulations and procedures. I don’t think they had guns aimed at them but they often acted as though they did.

Mostly though I think ‘Have To’ thinking is passed to us from an early age as part of our socialisation (or ’social control’). It’s much easier to get me to obey if I can be convinced I have no choice.

What to do about it?

Of course there is no reason you have to do anything about it.

There might be some good reasons why you might choose to.

I’m pretty sure that anything done from an energy of choice is more enjoyable than those from an energy of no-choice and probably the quality and value created is also going to be higher.

More importantly, I believe much violence is carried out under the mistaken view that it is the only way and there’s no choice.

I’m convinced that if everything we do is out of choice there would be far less violence in the world.

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Stop making me happy!

Mar 19th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
16 comments

You cannot make me happy.

Sorry to say, but it’s just not  in your power, and I’m feeling really quite relieved about it.

An unappealing belief

Now before you switch channels in the expectation of the usual ‘make yourself happy’ advice, I ask you to consider for a moment how I might behave if I did believe you have that power.

First of all I’d want to make sure you like me enough to go out of your way to feed me some of that happiness. I’ll also want to keep you close so that I can get some whenever I want and, if I’m in a ’scarcity mood’, then I’ll want to make sure you don’t share some of this precious stuff with anyone else.

What might this look like?

  • I’ll tell you only the things I think you want to hear and lie about or hide the other stuff
  • I”ll try to get you to believe that you’re dependent on me
  • I’ll use manipulation through threats, guilt or rewards to make sure you carry on playing the game
  • I’ll keep my eye on you and try to restrict your freedom in case you get too far away
  • I’ll get jealous if you show too much interest in anyone else
  • I’ll get disappointed if you don’t live up to my expectations
  • I’ll struggle to function effectively when you’re not around.

Doesn’t sound too appealing does it?

I don’t want to behave towards you in this way, and I don’t want any of these from you.

Yet these are many of the behaviours I’ve noticed in myself whenever I’ve put my happiness in the hands of someone else. Fortunately, it doesn’t happen too often these days but they do still surface from time to time. I’ve even been in relationships based on this way of being together, and needless to say they eventually crumbled and there was not a whole lot of real happiness in them.

A pervasive belief

This belief that other people can make me happy appears all around me. Turn on the TV, open a magazine, listen to people talk and I don’t have to go far to find it.

At the end of a romantic film I sometimes wonder what happens next, after the two protagonists have suffered in love and come through adversity to find each other. Do they really live happily ever after? Do they manage to overcome that delicious and painful period of romantic love and find a deeper, mutually rewarding kind of love?

I think the belief starts early in life for many of us, with our parents. As a parent myself I know how delighted and happy I am in relation to my children. I also know how challenging it is to guide them and nurture them, especially when they just won’t do what I want them to do. In those times it’s so easy for this belief to start to show itself.

“It will make me happy if you go to bed now/clean your room/eat your vegetables/turn out the way I want/________”

The other version is that I’ll be unhappy if they don’t do what I want!

The result is the same.

It lodges an idea that somehow they can make me happy – or unhappy and so my happiness is in their tiny hands. It creates a belief they are responsible for my emotional well-being.

How much unhappiness does this create in our world? How many people desperately and fruitlessly trying to make others happy? How many parents disappointed with their children who don’t visit or didn’t turn out the way they hoped for?  How many relationships built on a foundation of dependency?

The good news

I read and hear many people say we need to develop pleasure in our own company and attend to our own happiness. I agree with this, but only up to a point. My happiness is either within me or it’s not, and the reality is that it comes and goes. You will always be a bystander, though sometimes you may get more actively involved.

We aren’t islands but are social creatures and many of the things we need fulfilled for our happiness are interconnected with others. Sharing, interacting, community, touch, sexual expression, belonging etc. are all things that are hard to nurture without other people.

The good news, I believe, is that it’s a fundamental characteristic of human beings to enjoy doing things for other people. The pleasure of contributing to someone’s well-being is enough motivation for me to want to do it as much as I can.

I don’t enjoy giving to others, though, when I’m not completely free to do so. That means when I’m free from your expectations, demands, obligation, manipulation or threats. When I release others from the responsibility to make me happy, I find I’m much more likely to develop joyful and fulfilling relationships.

So please, please stop making me happy and I’ll stop making you happy.

Then we can revel in the pleasure of each other’s company!

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