In doing a bit of research for this article I was horrified at the volume of stuff out there promoting the use of corporal punishment (I delude myself that everyone sees the world the same way as I do!). I was in a state of shock and disbelief reading such things as this, from Gospel Way (a site with around 4 million visitors):

But if the child isn’t doing what you told him to do, your job isn’t done yet, no matter how much he cries. Punish him some more till he obeys you!

My guess is that when you read those sentences you’ll either nod in approval or raise your eyes in horror. There’s just not much room for sitting on the fence, especially if you are a parent yourself. According to several surveys of parents the majority seem to be in favour of smacking, though it’s banned in many countries.

With many reactions bubbling up inside and with outrage in my heart, I decided to go for the jugular and write this article to convert all you evil child-spankers to change your inhuman ways. My approach was going to be to convince you with the quality of my rhetoric and an appeal to your humanity.

Then a voice in my ear whispered:

“That ain’t gonna work, buddy!”

Those whispering voices are sometimes worth listening to!

No amount of rationality, research or conviction will sway any parent when it comes to this topic. I wouldn’t be swayed by logic or expert opinion – so how could I expect anyone else to be? There’s also no point taking a moralistic route by arguing that hitting people (including children) is either ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Many parents spank kids whether I like it or not and no matter how ‘wrong’ I personally believe it is. Me believing it’s ‘wrong’ simply comes face to face with someone believing it’s ‘right’. Complete dead end. Writing with my original intent would be a waste of time and disrespectful to anyone reading this who thinks differently to me.

I decided to change focus and, instead, poke around the subject and maybe scratch under the surface a bit. It still carries my own anti-smacking bias – I’m only human after all. I believe that whenever something disturbs me then the most fruitful place to look is inside myself and peel back a few layers to see what’s lurking underneath. I can’t change anyone unless I’ve had a long hard look at myself – even then the chances are small!

Why does smacking bug me so much?

Insecurity as a parent

I’m quite insecure about whether I’m doing a good job as a parent. I want what’s best for my children and there are so many grey areas, so much conflicting advice and so much I can’t influence. In the face of all the contradictions, it’s comforting to have at least one area where I have strong beliefs about what I’m doing. It’s not only that I believe I’m right (I am humble enough to admit that I’m imperfect), it gives me one solid principle on which I base much of my ‘good-enough’ parenting.

I will never intentionally inflict pain on my children.

I may cause pain by accident or ignorance or when I just don’t know what else to do but the intention of spanking is to inflict pain. Spanking is a direct attack on my deep conviction and parenting principles.

My guess is that if you are attached to spanking then you have equally strong (but different) principles and you are just as convinced that spanking is good for children, maybe even necessary.

Loyalty to my parents

My parents used spanking as a punishment. It was infrequent and consisted of a short, sharp slap across my buttocks or thigh. They still believe (as their parents did) that spanking is a necessary part of parenting.

The loyal child in me defends my parents and how they brought me up while the angry teenager in me rebels against them. Through the middle of those conflicting urges is a desire to find my own, mature adult way. I’m trying to find my own way of parenting whilst defending my parents. I read several comments along similar lines:

My brother and sister and me were all smacked as kids, and it never did us any harm.

… people do bring up law abiding and well behaved people without smacking them as children. My parents managed to do this …

I find it understandable to respect and defend my parents. I also think there’s a time to let go of what my parents taught me and make my own decisions. How can we evolve as a species if we simply repeat what our parents did?

Discipline and obedience

The whole point of smacking is to teach or discipline our children to obey us:

… all children have rebellion in them and when it surfaces, it is our duty as parents to drive it out of them. We are to do this by punishing them with a whack on the buttocks with a small reed-like rod. … A spanking should be swift and cause short lived pain that makes a point. That point is that the small pain they feel now will prevent them from feeling great pain by the act they are committing, which could cause them loss of their lives in some cases. (For instance, if a child tries to run across the street, they could be run over and killed.)

from Bible.

What I read here is that it is my duty as parent to teach my children to become obedient adults and one way for them to learn is though punishment.

Personally, I do NOT want my children to grow into obedient puppets in fear of authority. I want my children to grow up equipped for the lives they choose to live. I want them to respect those with more experience and wisdom (authority), gently challenge authority to find their own truth and make and take responsibility for their own choices.

I see my role as parent is to create safety for them to explore, learn, grow and allow them to blossom into the unique human beings they were born to be. I best do this by providing clear boundaries, unconditional love, support for their learning and security from harm. I just don’t see a place for punishment or fear.

If my child is about to run into the street then I’ll physically stop her and then help her learn of the dangers in whatever language I think she’ll understand. I won’t teach her by wilfully inflicting pain on her. If she does it again I’ll physically keep her away from the street until she’s learned to look out for herself – not as punishment but as protection.

If you are a parent who believes in the need to smack children, then I imagine that you have different parental goals to me or maybe different views about the best way to teach your children.

Phew!

This turned out quite a bit longer than my regular posts and there’s a whole lot more I could say on the subject. Maybe another day! Thank you for staying with it and I’m really curious to see what comments this article might inspire.

UPDATE

If you are inspired by this article you might want to check out my follow-up post on the subject exploring the many alternatives to smacking ‘When smacking seems the only option‘

Notes

1   I’ve use ’smacking’ as it’s more acceptable to advocates of corporal punishment than ‘hitting’. I guess it implies a strength and style of hitting of less intensity than, for example, punching. We all know, however,  that smacking is a form of hitting.

2   It was not my intention to pick out only examples from Christian sites, they were just the most prominent in Google search, so I assume the most popular.